Warning venting ahead.
I have lost of friends.a majority of them left me. It’s only my true friends that I turned my own back on because I was scared and they reminded my of my reality. So I went to a new school and made new friends shut the old ones out of my life and pretended to be someone else just to escape my own reality. Right now I feel like I have no friends I mean I do but there not friends people just say that so than they can be nice and respectful but I feel like I truly don’t have anyone to turn to right now.i haven’t been able to tell a friend any of my problems for nearly my whole life for about 3 years I had a best friend I could tell everything to but she moved and that’s 12 years of dealing with it all by myself that why I come completly clean on these so I can take some Waite off my shoulders. The movies didn’t go they way that would of got me a new crew it did get me one new friend but they are a group and there just being nice to me. I don’t know who I am going to hang out with tomorrow.
I have moved city’s once and moved suburbs 4ish times.thats about 6 different solid friend groups and about 28 bestfriends and countless numbers of friends.i have lost basically all of them even the people I’m friends with now. As I said before I had one person to tell everything to but she moved the thing is I didn’t tell her anything real just that a boy had hurt my feelings but never deep stuff.i have never ever had any real support.this is how it effects me it destroys me.
Yes I have had a confidentiality with a few free school councillors and Psychologist I never told them a thing I lied to them just so they wouldn’t think I was crazy but maybe I am if I don’t want help.i don’t tell my parents anything because if I did they would be able to put the pieces of my puzzle toghter and figure it out.my whole life is a lie I am the only one who knows who I am and I can’t figure it out even.i have metaphorically written a fictional book about my life and keep it wide open for everyone to read and let them think it’s my real biography but it’s not.it is truthful just not the whole lot and there are ways I have figure out so I seem like it’s true.i think I am nearly ready to tell some one but the thing is I don’t have a single soul to tell and even if I didn’t I don’t want to drop a boom.
I’m going to go to the uni psychologist for my anxiety and somehow I’ll work out how to show side effects of depression so they think I don’t know that I know.and when I turn 16 I am going to start course at the poly tech. I hope to make some new friends out of it and I hope to adentualy get work experience out of it then switch to uni in dunienind and also study geography there.i just need a support route. That’s all.
I can imagine what i would do with friends in a few years I just haven’t found them yet.i can imagine weekend road trips,going to the top of the hills for a sunset,going over to the coast were I stayed,going to this castle,flat, drink,live then go to college after high school and sometime in my life I will go to nyc to live no reason just a gut feeling that’s what I know will happen not because omg it’s ny it’s a big city it has hopes and dreams, no I just feel like something will happen to me when I am there like meet the love of my life or be in some terrible aside the what ever it is I feel like It will happen when I go there and it will changed my life.i won’t die there not of old age I’ll come back to nz.i just know that this will happen don’t ask me how.
corndogdietime 